Constitutional Right to Haircuts


There is no constitutional right to a haircut. So says Michigan Attorney General Dana Nessel. Now, wait just a minute, this is a free country. And that means we can do anything we want—right? The Constitution says nothing about having to wear a face mask. If we have to wear face masks, then the next thing you know, we’ll have to obey speed limits. What kind of BS is that? We won’t be able to ride our ATVs on sensitive and protected lands. And Phil Lyman won’t be a hero. Who do these people think they are with all their rules and regulations that take away our freedoms—like catching as many fish as we want? There is no constitutional trout limit. It’s the Deep State and Democrats who are stealing our freedoms, like the right to armored personnel carriers and rocket-propelled grenades. It doesn’t end there, either. We have the First Amendment right to go to the beach and play Twister with whomever we want. Sure, there are people like North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum who are pleading with us not to harass those mask-wearing liberal sonsofbitches who might have a sick relative at home. Well, screw that! We have every right to spread the disease to friends and family or anyone we want.

Economic Stimulus: Them That Has Gets
A single mom working as many hours as she can during the pandemic gets a maximum $1,200 stimulus check, while a real estate mogul can receive $1.6 million from the stimulus package passed in March, according to The New York Times. But before you go calling this socialism for the rich, remember this: We’re cutting food stamps for poor kids to help balance the budget. The economic rescue package allocated $135 billion for real estate developers, thanks to some fine print in the legislation. Among other things, it offers retroactive tax breaks for periods long before the pandemic struck. And you’ll like this: Jared Kushner may be in line for some of the largess. About 82 percent of the rescue package goes to those earning more than $1 million a year, according to Congress’s Joint Committee on Taxation. Of those earning more than $1 million annually, the average benefit is $1.6 million. Thank you, Mitch McConnell. He knows where his bread is buttered. In the two months since March 18, America’s billionaires saw their wealth collectively grow by 15 percent. Most Americans are unaware of how Trump and Congress manipulated the stimulus to benefit the wealthy, because they’re too busy trying to survive. But hey, they chose not to be rich. What can you do?

Ten Reasons Why Utahns Love Trump
1. They love how he looks in his white pants while golfing.
2. They love his colorful ties that hang to his cojones.
3. They love how he refuses to wear one of those stupid masks.
4. They love how he never apologizes for nothin’.
5. They love his magical thinking on how coronavirus will simply disappear.
6. They love how he loves the rights of fetuses and cuts food stamps.
7. They love how he calls people scumbags and murderers on Twitter.
8. They love how he tells reporters they’re mean, nasty liars, unlike himself.
9. They love how he loves church-going people like himself.
10. And, best of all, they love how he is not an immoral Democrat.

Badge Of Honor: Most Dead
Trump can spin anything. We have the most COVID-19 deaths in the world, and that, apparently, is a good thing—”a badge of honor,” he said. Well, not exactly. Consider this: As the U.S. approaches 100,000 coronavirus deaths, six Asia-Pacific nations—Australia, Japan, Korea, New Zealand, Taiwan and Vietnam—have just over 1,200 total deaths in a combined population almost the same as the U.S., 328 million. But rather than focusing on testing and contact tracing from the onset, Trump ignored and then minimized the epidemic and then sought a magic bullet such a chloroquine or Clorox. For many weeks, Trump pooh-poohed testing. We now know that his adviser and son-in-law, Jared Kushner, told him early on that testing results showing high infection rates would deflate the stock market. When the Dow tanked anyway, Trump kept repeating that the U.S. had done more testing than anyone, despite the fact that we are 10th behind Spain, Portugal, Belgium, Qatar, Russia, Italy, U.K., Singapore and Belarus. Later, Trump said: “Don’t forget, we have more cases than anybody in the world. But why? Because we do more testing…. So, I view it as a badge of honor.” Sheer brilliance. Trump keeps insisting there will be a magic vaccine soon. Don’t bet on it.

Postscript—Well, cowboys and cowgirls, that does it for another week without baseball. And basketball. And tennis. But the beach, well, that’s a different story as pale faces hit the sand wherever they could find it. Except here in Utah, of course. The beaches at the Great Salt Lake were empty. But that’s a false equivalent, as they say on TV. The normality of this abnormal situation is slowly becoming normal. For shy people, it’s no big deal. In fact, it’s a relief of sorts. They aren’t expected to socialize. But what will happen when this is all over and we can touch people again? Will we dare do it? Shaking hands, can you imagine? Get back. I don’t want your disease. Will the French greet each other with cheek kisses? Or is that warm salutation gone forever? Will pickup lines stay the same? You wanna get out of here? No way. Sex? You want to have sex? How do we do that? Will the birthrate plummet? Well, probably not. Many young people are not fazed by all this coronavirus stuff. They’re indestructible. Remember that feeling. It’s a great way to be until you get destructed. But hey, it’ll never happen to us.

Alright Wilson, why don’t you and the indestructible band take us into another week here in the Brave New World:

If I could make a wish / I think I’d pass / Can’t think of anything I need / No cigarettes, no sleep, no light, no sound / Nothing to eat, no books to read

Making love with you / Has left me peaceful, warm, and tired / What more could I ask / There’s nothing left to be desired / Peace came upon me and it leaves me weak /So sleep, silent angel, go to sleep

Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe / And to love you /All I need is the air that I breathe / Yes to love you / All I need is the air that I breathe

(“The Air That I Breathe”—written by Albert Hammond, popularized by the Hollies,)

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